GIVE ME THE LOOT OR I’LL CAULK YOU!

AUSTIN, TEXAS- Police arrested a man accused of injuring a gas station clerk while attempting to rob him — with a caulk gun.

Jose A. Romero fled the scene in the company of a transgender prostitute he’d picked up earlier in the evening, according to an affidavit issued by the Travis County Sheriff’s Office.

The affidavit says the clerk, Johnnie Limuel, 68, told police that a man dressed in women’s clothing entered the Speedy Stop on East 51st Street and bought a pack of cigarettes and $5 worth of gas.

Just after he walked out to a red pickup truck at a gas pump, another man walked into the store with a caulk gun partially visible under a white t-shirt. The man pointed the caulk gun at Limuel and demanded money.

Limuel told police he thought it was a joke when he saw the caulk gun, but the assailant continued to demand money. Romero struck Limuel with the caulk gun after he could not open the cash drawer. So, Limuel struck back, hitting the man with a plastic trash can.

The assailant left the store without any money and was later arrested and charged with aggravated robbery.

RIDE ’EM CROC BOY!

BROOME, AUSTRALIA- A drunk Australian man suffered only a bite to his right leg after he entered an enclosure to try to ride Fatso, a five metre long crocodile.

Police said the man had been thrown out of a tavern when he climbed into Fatso’s enclosure because he wanted to pet the animal.

“He attempted to sit on its back and the croc took offense to that and spun around and bit him on the right leg,” Sgt. Roger Haynes told the Australian Associated Press. “For an unknown reason, the crocodile let him go and he managed to scale the fence and exit the park.”

Park owner Malcolm Douglas said the cooler weather made Fatso sluggish, which is likely why the man was able to escape. The drunk man managed to make it to a nearby tavern to get help from the attack. Officials say the victim had some “very nasty lacerations” to his leg, would remain in hospital and that he was lucky to be alive.

“No person in their right mind would try to sit on a five metre crocodile,” he said.

CHOMP! CHOMP!

ROMANTIC ROBBER

NEW YORK, NEW YORK- Roses are red; violets are blue; sugar is sweet and so is apprehending you!

Police arrested Edward Pemberton, AKA The Bouquet Bandit, after his fingerprints were lifted from a pair of fresh flowers that became the robber’s signature while holding up six banks.

His most recent robbery was at Bank of Smithtown in Chelsea where the shave-headed, goateed man brandished a colorful, pink-tissue wrapped bouquet and pulled a note from its scented confines demanding cash, police said.

He emphasized the point, saying “give me all your hundreds and fifties. Don’t be a hero.” The teller forked over the loot and he fled — leaving the flowers behind.

“The flowers show I’m polite,” Pemberton said, whose rap sheet includes 14 prior arrests. “I’m a good person.”

WRINKLE FREE BULLY

VILLA RICA, GEORGIA- Authorities have charged Robert E. Tyrell, Jr. with aggravated assault and false imprisonment after they allege he held his mother hostage for failing to iron his clothes.

The police say the 29-year-old man, who lives with his parents, wanted his mother to do some ironing because it was “woman’s work.”

When mom refused, authorities allege he pulled out a gun, and took his 51-year-old mother’s keys and cell phones and refused to let her leave for at least six hours.

She eventually escaped and went to a police station. Officials were able to get the man out without incident.